What I'm doing about jealousy

dancing with (read: journalling about) the green-eyed monster

Photo by Enlsipomy on Unsplash

I’ve been feeling a lot more jealous, recently, and I don’t like it.

I’ve always joked — in a way that is absolutely, incredibly, 100% the most truthful thing I’ve ever said in my life — that my main motivating factor is FOMO. If other people are doing something, I want in; it’s just the way I operate. It’s the reason I fear two of my friends who I introduced ever hanging out without me (sidenote: the first time I ever met

Kasey Robinson

she verbalised feeling like this to me, and I was like…I’m not the only one?!) and it’s pretty much the only reason I’m not plotting a move to NZ right now, because waking up to a group chat full of texts while I’d been asleep was Not The One. (As I said, kind of joking, but kind of also 100% true.)

Lately, though, I’ve noticed it’s become more insidious; more and more I’ve caught myself coveting what someone else has, with an intensity that almost matches the same happiness I’ve felt for them for having the thing in the first place. This is why I intentionally use jealousy to describe what I’m feeling, rather than envy, because jealousy involves resentment, and this has started to feel snarling and fanged.

So, obviously, I want to put a stop to it — because I don’t love the path that’s headed down.

As someone who doesn’t journal day-to-day, I’m reluctant to admit that I think the answer might be in journalling, in the process of teasing it out. Specifically in what I’m dubbing my Jealousy Journal (ok, sure, another reason why I’m using jealousy instead of envy is because it’s alliterative here, sue me!). Every time I feel that familiar, awful tidal wave, I’m going to document it. Here’s what I’m going to be tracking:

The trigger: what I see that I’m jealous of

What is it that has, to put it plainly, set me off? What have I seen or heard about? Importantly, this is a No-Projection Zone; I can’t add my own conjecture to it. My job is to just report the facts: saw this. It contained this.

The feeling: what I think I’m jealous of

Now I’m allowed to investigate more. What have I interpreted the above as? What have I decided it means? The human brain loves to embellish, to fill in gaps: what gaps have I decided to fill in, and with what?

The meaning: what I’m actually jealous of

And this is the bit where — hopefully — it all comes together. What is it about the above that I want for myself?

The plan is simple enough, and two-pronged. Firstly, I want to take the sting out of the jealousy, to stop it in its tracks. It’s not about not feeling my feelings, but about not allowing them to snowball into something they’re not. I’m not denying they exist, I’m just asking them to justify themselves.

The second is to create a catalogue of what I actually want. That third point, the meaning, is an insight into what I (think I) desire. Are there any patterns or recurring themes? Is there anything in there that surprises me? Or, alternatively, is there anything in there that doesn’t surprise me, that I’ve known for quite a while but possibly not wanted to admit?

Which leads me to the final exercise of the Jealousy Journal:

The lesson: what I’m going to do about it

With this catalogue of wants, I can now ask myself: what are you going to do about it, then? Has this revealed an avenue you’re going to seriously pursue? Has it given you food for thought? And, crucially: are you willing to do what you need to in order to achieve the thing you want?

If so: congrats, I’ve discovered something that’s important to me, and will improve my life.

And if not: well, now you know. Normal service resumes, and we go again.

What’s your relationship like with jealousy and/or envy? I’d love to know!

Thanks to

Emily Ash Powell

who hosted the writing session where I was able to finally put these thoughts down, and whose incredible writing nor excellent fringe incite any feelings of jealousy or envy in me at all, no sir, not on bit. You can join these writing sessions with a subscription to

Hurdling with Emily Ash Powell

.

Thanks also to the WILD community, who had such useful suggestions when I mentioned this the other day. If you’re a small business owner looking for community and support, you can join til Friday — use the code WILDPAL to get £10 off your membership, and tell ‘em Ellie Kime sent you :)